Hello readers! In this brief blog I’m going to teach you how to gain the lofty status of being a hypertensive patient. I know, I know, you can’t wait to learn the secret. Well, here goes:
- Be a guy: Hypertension tends to affect more males than females, so if you are a guy you are more prone to developing it. Lucky you!
- Be an African: Studies have shown that Africans are more prone to developing hypertension that their Caucasian or Hispanic or Asian counterparts or any other breed of humans for that matter. I wonder why that is, I mean…it’s not as if we live in a stressful environment…
- Age: The older you are, the more likely you are to have an elevated blood pressure. Heck, the more likely you are to catch any of the other fun diseases out there. Except sexually transmitted infections. Hopefully.
- Eat lots of salt: Salt should be in everything you ingest; your soups, stews, rice bread, tea, etc. you can’t have enough salt if you want to become a hypertensive patient!
- Be carnivorous: Go ahead and eat that red meat! It is high in cholesterol which is guaranteed to clog up your arteries, raise your blood pressure and, if you are very, very lucky you might even get a heart attack! Lean meat, white meat like turkey and chicken (without the skin), and fish are low in cholesterol and more healthy and hence are no use to your being hypertensive at all.
- Drink a lot: “a little wine gladdens the heart” so says the Good book. But why stop at a little? It’s a free world and you should take as much alcohol as you want! Drink before going to work, during lunch breaks, and in the evening before going home to your silly wife who cares so little about you that she stays up late, worrying and wondering when you’ll be coming home. Apart from the financial and emotional implications this fine habit carries, it will also ensure you are on your way to becoming hypertensive.
- Be lazy: Don’t exercise. Instead of walking short distances, take “Okada”. Sit in front of the TV all day and watch football or Africamagic. Also try your best to gain a lot of extra weight.
- Smoking: Smoke the cancer stick. This is always good for catching a few chronic illnesses. Keep at it!
- Stress yourself: Do not try to avoid stress please! Get as much stress as you can. Go to bed late. Wake up early. Gather more work on your table than you can handle. Marry more wives, etc.
- Do not go for regular checkups: Why bother yourself? Just live your life gaily and ignorantly until a Stroke brings you to my office.
For those of you hoping to gain the status of a hypertensive or even better becoming a Stroke patient, I’m sure the above tips will be of immense help. However, for those of you health fanatics who just want to live a healthy long life I guess this blog isn’t for you! Watch out for my next blog on Easy steps to becoming a diabetic!
