Okay. Here goes:
1. She defines and re-defines B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L.
2. She’s the only woman alive who does not look ridiculous wearing that many beads
3. She rocks a close to perfect hip-to-waist ratio
4. She has Beyonce and J. Lopez looking like beginners in the ‘Big Booty 101’ ass class.
5. She makes a gap in the teeth look absolutely divine…hotter than the hottest fashion accessory
6. She makes garri…sugar and nuts…with some ice cold water…such a fantastic meal…you would NOT swap it for Kellogg’s…
7. She makes you know you’re the man. ALWAYS.
8. She calls you names like ‘olowo ori mi’ and ‘ade ori’ and …
9. She understands well that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…and therefore takes those culinary classes with her mom EXTRA-serious
10. She kneels down to greet you…even in the presence of your friends…
11. She’s incredibly sweet to little children…you know you want her to have your kids…all twelve of them.
12. She is the true meaning of SUPER WOMAN…the way she holds you down…sends you out in the morning…takes the kids to school…goes to work…goes to get the kids…cooks for them and you…sits down with them for the homework…all before you come back and still has enough strength to wash you down…feed you and allow you tap that…
13. She’s so smart she can handle a conversation about banking…and then sports and right onto Christianity…and then top it off with an analysis of the government…without breaking a sweat
14. She makes you look good just by feeding you popcorn she probably paid for in the Silverbird Galleria lobby
15. She does not make you feel less of a man just because you listen to Asa
16. She loves P-Square…but goes to learn all the lyrics of ‘Street Credibility’ because that’s your ring tone. No OTHER reason.
17. She flunks two courses and has to carry them over…because she gave your manly ass the handout dough just so you could change those two shirts
18. Does not mind that you wear Pam slippers all the time…in fact the way she goes on about your Pam…her friends are starting to recommend them for their friends!
19. She does not need to tan…in fact…she makes Stout’s golden brown look like muddy water!!!
20. Treats your mum like a queen…in fact, she’s the reason your mum still talks to you.
21. She babies you all day…but you are still the man
22. Gives the kids all the breast milk they need…but somehow still got those boobs looking firm and hot…for you
23. She is lovely with make-up…absolutely divine without it. She wakes up in the morning looking like dawn itself….fresh
24. She’s at home at a buffet…Tantalizers and/or Mama Put…she is socially conscious and culturally correct…and has a BSC to boot.
25. She helps you get your perspective straight. You probably thought Genevieve/Beyonce/Alicia Keys was sexy…till you met her.
26. Spends an entire day making her hair…and would take that same hair off the next day…just because you frowned a bit when you saw it…
27. She makes that pathetic N2000 you gave her for her fixings look like N50,000 grand when she’s done .
28. Understands you need guy time…and disappears into the kitchen…only to reappear to briefly hug and kiss you when your team scores
29. Makes a whole meal for you and your friends…within minutes
30. Wears even the largest gele without appearing to be carrying anything, and even Queen Anne in her crown does not look a third as good.
31. Even though she likes all those nutty Mexican soaps, she’ll cuddle with you for three hours while you’re watching your favorite Marlon Brando movies…and will actually ask you intelligent and brand-new questions…even though you both know all the lines by heart by then…
32. She totally loves you when you have that tight six-pack…and loves you even more when the pack is giving way to a ‘manly’ paunch..
33. She speaks pidgin with the best of them…even when you’re with the ‘flyest’ of her friends
34. She hardly ever ties a wrapper in your house…but even she does she has your eyes popping…right along with something else.
35. She knows to allow you rest. After all, you just spent the last three hours giving her orgasm after mind-blowing orgasm
36. The oh-so-special way she has all your cousins…uncles and friends eating out of her hand. And no, it’s not juju. Its cooking skills and respect..evidence of a proper home training.
37. The effortless way she makes a meal of Spaghetti Bolognese (hope i spelt that right) for the kids…and in the same breathe makes you a mouth-watering meal of Ogbono…Fufu and Catfish…and sets the table…along with one cold bottle of ‘Udeme’…you know you’ve died and gone to food heaven…
38. The way she would never allow her friends or family members disrespect you…because you’re her ‘everything’…
39. She absolutely loves your Ibadan accent…your Oyo tribal marks…in fact she thinks they’re sexy…
40. The way she cross-dresses; that is…wears Iro and Buba…with the sheerest underwear and thong panties…
41. Laughs at Jim Carrey in ‘Masks’…and laughs just as hard…if not harder…to Mr. Diplomatic OPJ and Mase on Wazobia FM…
42. Makes it okay to watch those Nollywood movies
43. You know she actually thinks about your future just as much as you do…if not more than you because she knows all you need to know about real estate in Naija
44. The only woman i know who would willingly spend the N1,500 credit you sent her calling you…plus a little extra you did not pay for.
45. She spends almost all of her prayer time praying for you…because you’re her king.
46. The way she makes the sex extra wild at certain times…like when you bought that Ghana lace for her mum…or when you cooked her favorite meal just because she was worn out..
47. She shows you off to her friends…even when you had NOTHING. And she regularly defends you against them…
48. She single-handedly converts your one-room shanty into a palace…by simply ‘breathing’ over it.
49. The way she rocks those stilettos…just as effortlessly as she rocks those slip ons…and her strut is unrivalled!
50. She is the sole inspiration for Tuface’s number track of all time…African Queen…
51. She makes you kiss all those your ‘ashawos’ and ‘injus’ and ‘shorspices’ and ‘akatas’ and whatevers goodbye…and you know the best part…???
You do not miss them. Not one bit.
