There are certain specific attributes (or virtues) one must know, understand, possess and or develop if you are to have a good relationship, thereby creating a solid foundation for a God-willed Christian home. These virtues are:
1. Equality:
Both partners are equal in marriage. Equality, in the sense that the wife is not a slave or servant to be pushed around; and the husband is not the boss to shout or issue out orders, but a leader. If Eve (1st woman) had been taken/made from Adam’s (1st man) skull, then the wife would have been the head of the family; and if it was the bones of the legs or toes, she definitely would have been the slave or servant; but she was taken/made from the ribs, signifying the man’s heart/side thus, equality. Let’s consider this:
‘…giving honour (deep respect) unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel…’ I Peter. 3:7
Firstly, it is to a higher authority or to somebody higher than one in rank and or position that one gives honour or deep respect to and if the men claim to be the boss or slave master/driver of their wives, why then does the Holy Book exalts husbands to honour their wives?
Secondly, the tense used is present continuous, ‘giving’, which means something that must be done on a continual basis.
Thirdly the fact that the feminine gender is termed the ‘weaker vessel’ does not mean that the masculine gender is strong or is a stronger vessel. If the woman is denoted to be the ‘weaker vessel’ then the man is the ‘weak vessel’.
Fourthly the actual phrase used is, ‘…as unto the weaker vessel’. Meaning, the woman is like a weaker vessel not that she is actually weak or weaker in (spiritual) reality:
‘…Be good husbands to your wives. Honour them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages…you’re equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground’. I Peter. 3:7 (The Message: MSG)
It is men that are boys in their being that bosses their wives around, real men treat them as equals. This however does not mean wives should not be in subjection to their spouses, but the idea in equality is for mutual submission one towards another in the fear of God.
2. Unity
There must be unity of purpose; togetherness and oneness. Before deciding to pursue any endeavour or to take a stand on any issue, ensure there is oneness else, the house that is divided against itself will fall.
3. Transparency
This must be each partner’s pursuit in the relationship. Intentional falsehood and half truths always end and or destroy relationship.
4. Privacy
As much as possible, try and resolve issues (however difficult) privately, avoiding a third party. If there must be a third party, then the person must be (preferably) a spiritual (knowledgeable and experience) parent (person) and even this must be done with discretion as experience has personally thought me. Not all spiritual parents are good advisors. Not all spiritual parents are good at keeping secrets. Not all spiritual parents could or should be confided in. Remember you will soon be no longer two but one flesh. Start practicing this (sex excluded), even while still dating.
5. Suspicion
This destroys relationship at the speed of sound for it is one of the major tools of the devil to steal, kill and destroy your peace, joy and happiness. Do not react to events or issues based on suspicion because suspicion does not (most times) necessarily represent the truth. Act on what you are sure of. Learn to trust your partner except when facts show otherwise.
6. Faithfulness
The existence of faithfulness in a relationship makes it healthy and vibrant. Learn a vital lesson from your Creator who always keep to His words and promises.
7. Longsuffering
That is the ability to bear problems or annoying behaviour or circumstances with patience. It also must be a strong virtue which must be known, understood, possessed and developed in dating and eventually marriage. This is because there is no relationship that does not have its own share of problems. Likewise also there is no individual that is so perfect, as not to have behavioural or attitudinal weaknesses or lapses. For you to enjoy both the highs and lows of dating, relationship and marriage, you must be longsuffering.
8. Communication
A Student Affairs Officer in his mid-fifties once approached me for the use of my place. This is to enable him go through a 3-day (non-stop) fasting and prayer session for his collapsing marriage of about twenty five (25) years with four children; two of whom were diseased. It was because I got curious; worrying for his strength, health and ability to go through such a rigour that he revealed the real purpose of the 3-day fasting and prayers to me. As we got talking, he revealed further that he had not been having sex with his wife for about ten years out of the twenty five years they were married. That there was an ever increasing suspicious plague in-between the two of them.
I was not dating then but the Spirit helped me to diagnose the root cause of their problem which was a lack of communication. When the passing of ideas, opinions, thoughts, views and the likes from one partner to the other ceases or is not done in holiness, righteousness, honesty and sincerity, relationships inevitably breaks down. ‘Communication is golden!’
9. Sex
The issue of sex, sexual matters, sexual intimacy and sexual satisfaction cannot be fully dealt with in this article, but the main aim here is to make you understand the fact that most marriage relationships ends due to a lack of sexual satisfaction. It may look implausible but I declare to you that a sexually active individual will have serious sexual heartaches if married to a sexually passive individual.
I can hear you say, “how do I get to know this since sexual intercourse is not approved (by God) before marriage?” Simple! When you spiritually pray in honesty and sincerity of heart that God should aid you choose the bone of your bone and the flesh of your flesh; choosing the right person sexually is included in that prayer.
This is the more reason why your choice in dating and marriage should be done with much care and in total submission and obedience to the Almighty. God wants you to marry brother or sister ‘A7’ and you end up with ‘A8’, you will have serious problems.
I got to know this while still single for I loved (still do) to read wide. Thus, I made my prayers specific by praying that, “God should aid me in choosing the right person spiritually, physically, sexually, psychologically, materially, emotionally, financially, purposefully, behaviourally etc. I recommend this for you!
10. Sacrificial Love
Finally, have love that inspires sacrifice or sacrificial love for each other. This is the one attribute that will keep the relationship burning and groovy.
It is a bit difficult to come across scriptural verses that exalt wives to love their husbands (if in fact you can find one). This is because women by their nature do not find this difficult. It is men that does; women find ‘submission’ more of a problem and that is why you will find the Holy Book referring to this mostly, especially when and where it exalts men to love their wives.
I am not talking about lust or blind love where the love is only one-sided, is not reciprocated and the one that loves is only been taken advantage of. I am talking about the kind of love that when possessed and developed will aid one in surmounting the difference storms involved in dating, relationship and marriage. I am talking of God’s kind of love.
