PART IV: NO MAN’S LAND
This is not me ranting, or throwing another of my world-famous tantrums. No. This is me in a sad, vulnerable and musing mood. This is the thoughtful me, that captures the heart and imagination of most of my females friends and past lovers, until the etrigan shows up and scares them away.
This is me being empathetic. Relating to someone else’s pain, because more often than not, I feel that way myself.
I read a small blog somewhere; a guy was talking about how he walked into his apartment after work the previous day, and felt very lonely; like he has not felt in a long time. He thinks to himself; maybe its stress at work, and that he wishes there was just a lady waiting for him, just to hold him in her arms. No questions.
Another lady talks about how sometimes people do not realise other people love them, and are willing to do ANYTHING for them; and they are so lonely, yet they pretend that they are having the time of their lives, and what they are looking for is right in front of them.
That was depressing. Moreso because you sometimes want to tell these people it will be okay, that person who is just theirs will show up one day and sweep them off their feet, and away into that sunset where eternal sunshine and a million other lovers reside, like stupid Jack from Titanic. You want them to keep trying, not to become disillusioned and lose their beliefs and ideas about love. But deep down within you, you know you’re only saying that to make them feel better. You do not know for sure that it will be okay.
Just like Harvey Dent lied to Rachel Dawes before the Joker blew her sky-high. Just like Bill Sikes lied to Nancy that he would protect her from Fagin’s revenge, and then killed her himself. Just like Tom Cruise promised Nicole Kidman it would be forever. Just like you lied to one of your many lovers that you would always be there for them.
And the part I hate most? The lame excuses. You know what I mean.
Loving someone is hard. It is one of the hardest things ever, because it basically means you surrender everything you know, everything that makes you who you are, you hand all those things to someone you believe you know, tell the person; ‘there it is. It is everything I have, everything I have ever known. I trust you with it because you mean a lot to me, so do with it as you will’.
And as happens usually, your trust is betrayed.
A lecturer friend says he resents the idea of ‘broken’ hearts, because the human heart does nothing but pump blood. I agree. But then I tell him; the word ‘heart’ in this case does not stand for a organ, its a metaphor for the most precious part of us that houses all our emotions and feelings. So when someone is ‘heartbroken’, it does not mean his heart (organ) has stopped working; it simply means his ‘heart’; the part of his brain that handles emotions is in pain. And then I ask him, have you not been in love before? He says yes; and then I say, when it goes wrong, maybe you guys disagree or something, do you not feel an actual physical pain in your chest, right around your heart region? He falls quiet. I take the victory on that one.
But this is it. When a serious relationship fails, you hardly want to continue. Sometimes you just want to lie down and never get up again. No matter how much make-up you wear, you look pale. The lights go out of your eyes. The swagger leaves your walk. You stop doing several things, things that used to mean everything. Lisha is a friend of mine who stopped going to/by Chita, because the guy she was with loved amala, and helped her overcome her fear of it. For a long time afterwards, every time 24came on TV, she would break down and cry.
And the worst part is we become crippled by fear. You meet a guy/lady at work, and he is so nice, so considerate, so much fun, and the best part? He/she does not remind you of the ex! What could be better? But then you remember your past experience, and you cringe and shrink into you, leaving that person wondering what he/she did wrong. And that voice tells you, have you not learned anything? You have to protect your heart! Which you do, thereby becoming a drone who shares dinner, watches movies and has sex with a person who has become nothing more than a tool, while you crawl back to your shell; your apartment and bawl your eyes out (if you are a lady) or pick fights with your homies, work-out or break stuff (my personal favorite). And slowly, you loose your taste for life, your desire for living, that zest that makes everything fun, even the hard stuff.
Remember that movie ‘How To Loose A Guy In Ten Days’? Yup, that one. Then you fall in love, and then you freak out because you swore it was not going to happen again. You would rather pretend like you do not give two hoots about this person, while the reverse is the case. I hate HOLLYWOOD.
BUT; and I had to cap-lock that ‘but’ because even in the midst of this, there is a little light within everyone of us, a little programming that is clamoring for attention. As much as we try to kill it, all human beings are made for affection. It is how God made us; passionate and creative beings when expressing our feelings.
A friend’s status this past week said ‘Love makes poets of all of us’ and attributed it to Plato. Love is powerful, and it is a part of all of us. It is what makes us human, what makes us realise there is a attainable goal called ‘perfection’, and it is what we all strive for, more so in our relationships. That is what makes us all human, that emotion we all recognize.
Two mortal enemies put down their enmity long enough to save the town they both grew up in from marauders. Love. A mother endures the abuse, both emotional and physical at the hands of her husband for years because of her kids. Love. A man tolerates the jokes and subtle insults of his family and friends because of his wife’s confirmed infertility.Love.A younger sister covers for her bully of a elder brother when mom asks what happened to their lunch money, knowing fully well he blew it on play station. Love.
How many of us cried when the twin towers went down, despite the fact that we had no relations in or around the building, despite the fact that that was the first time some of us discovered that such a building existed?
The guy who inspired this epistle went on to talk about how getting a woman is not the issue, but getting one who truly knows and understands those little things that speak volumes. Who would not want a hug after a hard day at work, not nagging, not questions, just rest in the arms of your loved one, be it male or female?
So this goes out to that young man and to the thousands of others like him and me out there: as the lady said, you are far from alone. You are indeed a beautiful person, even if sometimes the evidence says different. You are someone’s pearl, someone’s cutie pie (such a ridiculous name, till spoken by a lover), someone’s dream come true, someone’s reason for still trying. Do not loose yourself, because you have no idea how many people would be lost as well. That you still believe in that love you have or have not experienced is something to be proud of, not to be ashamed and shy about. I hate to think how this world would be if we all became disillusioned about this love thing. Totally devoid of colour or substance; hopeless!
And truth be told, there are/would be people who hate you for being the way you are, people who would want you to be like them; stuck in some slough of despond, devoid of all hope and positivity, simply because they wish they could be like you. And instead of valuing and cherishing what you are and loving you for it, they would want to drag you down to their level. They would hurt you, because they will try and take advantage of your sweet nature and demeanor and abase it in the worst way possible. Even when it happens, remember that nobody but you defines who you are, so no man should have that much power over you, to change who you are, except for the better, and it must be change you welcome. Dust yourself up, and do not give up. The world needs one more of you than it needs two more of them.
Understand: Love is not one man’s land. It’s everybody’s.
