WHAT MATTERS
I visited a website recently and stumbled on a discussion-about what the most important ingredient in a relationship is. Several ingredients had been suggested; there was physical attraction, compatibility, spiritual agreement, communication and so on.
A lot of the people commenting thought the most important thing is communication; some thought it was spiritual agreement, yet others had thought it was physical attraction. Me, I just thought it was pointless to engage in such a discussion. Why?
The topic was too vague and ambiguous as far as I was concerned. First of all, what sort of relationship was the writer talking about? I wasn’t trying to be difficult; I just thought the question was too open ended. I still think so.
Now the real issue is this; what is really the most important part of a romantic relationship? Well, I would answer and say that would depend on the intentions of both parties involved (safe to say I’m not talking about an open relationship). I mean, a lady could be thinking ‘marriage’ and the man is thinking ‘she’s just good in the sack’. That’s how misplaced and displaced our priorities have become.
But the truth is all of those qualities/factors mentioned up there are important particularly if the relationship is headed for the altar. I wouldn’t want to marry someone I did not find physically attractive; neither would I want to have children with someone who did not share my beliefs/spiritual orientation. Neither would I want to go to church with someone who I was not compatible with. And if we are not compatible, what exactly are we going to talk about?
While I agree that communication might be the MOST important ingredient, I also clearly state that the others are not to be underestimated. I know guys who cheated on their partners because she became fatter after their first child; meaning they no longer found their spouses physically attractive. A relationship I was once in broke down simply because we could not see eye to eye. I thought she was too haughty; she thought I was too difficult. And that was that.
Look, let us walk through the normal process of a relationship together.
- Boy meets girl/boy is introduced to girl or vice versa.
- They are attracted to each other; and strike up a conversation
- The conversation is so enjoyable that they both decide to see each other again
- They both go their separate ways (or leave together, these days you can’t tell anymore) and probably exchange numbers, or:
- They both do not find each other attractive or one does not find the other attractive ; and so free each other
- If number 4 is what happened, they probably have a couple of dates and discover they have a lot in common
- They make it official and start seeing each other steadily.
Now it’s not like the above is the law of how it MUST occur; it’s just an overview of what generally happens; what usually precedes a relationship. It happens in other ways too! But what I’m illustrating here is how all those little nuggets; those seemingly inconsequential things add up and become an issue or issues later. Sure, attraction is not strong enough to build a relationship on, but it’s a start! At least that’s what I think.
But o, the issue of finance was also raised. Of course you know a lot of ladies will scamper to this as the MOST IMPORTANT thing. Remember what i said about priorities?
Did you ever see the movie ‘Madea’s Family Reunion’? The main story was centered around a woman who was so ambitious she allowed her 2nd husband abuse her first daughter because he was wealthy…and she was practically selling her second daughter to another man because he was wealthy too! Now how far are you willing to go for this money; this financial security? Would it matter to you if he was beating you black and blue; as long as he can afford to fly you abroad for treatment? I don’t think so.
And of course, spirituality is also important; a very important part of ANY relationship. As the bible says; ‘can two walk together unless they agree?” IMPOSSIBLE.
The same book advises for one not to ‘be unequally yoked with unbelievers’. Me, I have always thought that ‘unbelief’ in that context does not just mean different religious/spiritual beliefs, it also means ANYONE who cannot see what you see; i.e. your dreams, visions, aspirations e.t.c. If your partner thinks you should get a bank job instead of following your heart which is leading you into writing, I think you should move on. I am not trying to end/break relationships, I just subscribe to the saying, “don’t be friends with someone who doesn’t have dreams, because people who don’t have dreams don’t have much.’ I strongly agree.
One factor mostly overlooked in that list is COMPATIBILITY. By dictionary definition compatibility is the ability; of machines and people, to ‘exist, work or be used together with causing problems or issues’. For two people to walk/work together they must at least be compatible to some extent.
Conversations mostly revolve around this factor, as a conversation (note; not argument) is built around common ground. Two people sharing/exchanging views, opinions, ideas, experiences WITHOUT violent disagreeing or noise. Compatibility means you share similar (if not the same) interests, tastes, likes, dislikes and so on. It means it would not be difficult for either of you to choose for the other person in cases of movie choice, colour code, meal and so on! I cannot date a girl who is CRAZY about Nollywood movies. No disrespect to anyone, but I do think those movies could do with a lot of upgrading. Neither do I like all those Mexican soaps. They make me sick!
And I do not apologise for that.
On the other hand, maybe it’s not that much of a big deal that we have a difference of opinion concerning choice of movies, but how much fun is a night out when you spend like three hours debating what movie to see? The night is dead already. Anything after all that is zombie activity.
Therefore, I am strongly of the opinion that while communication MIGHT be the strongest factor in a romantic relationship, I think a lot of other little things also contribute to making the difference between ‘someone I used to date’ and ‘happily ever after’.
Seriously though, what do you think?
