Change in the institution of marriage itself. There are a number of ways in which married couples experience change. First of all, contemporary marriage is undergoing a change from marriage as it was known and experienced in the past. (1) Modern societies expect much more of marriage in the way of companionship, emotional fulfillment, mutual growth in personal identity, and progressive levels of intimacy (Augsburger, 1988, p. 17).
Intrusive change. Deaths, disasters, illnesses, family moves, financial difficulties, career failures, and other kinds of losses create particular stresses on the marriage relationship. One attorney, for example, commented that it is not unusual for couples who file for bankruptcy to also file for divorce. Intrusive change often presents situations for which one cannot make preparation beforehand.
Predictable change. Predictable changes have come to light with the study of human development. Social scientists have mapped a life cycle that extends from the prenatal period until death. Just as there are seasons in our individual lives so there are seasons in a marriage. These stages in marriage come about because of the life cycle changes in the spouses, but also because the relationship itself has a life cycle. Each season has certain characteristics. Transitions between the seasons are potential periods of crisis. To know these stages of development ahead of time helps us to prepare for them. (2) The resources of the gospel can be better focused on the special needs created during the times of change.
Marriages Within Marriage
Many developmental models include such stages of marriage as: honeymoon, the career establishment period, the child-rearing period, the empty nest when the children are gone, and the retirement marriage. An interesting approach to these seasons of marriage is taken by Christian author and marital therapist David Augsburger (1988) who recognizes that, regardless of whether couples parent children, the marriage relationship has a life of its own which changes over time. He believes that those who live in a marriage over several decades are likely to experience the equivalent of at least four different “marriages” between them as partners within their one marriage. “Marriage is not a single style of relating, committing, trusting, negotiating, conflicting and growing. When there is growth . . . there will be multiple marriages, serial marriages, a series of marriages that unfold as the persons grow” (p. 15). (3)
Marriage One: Dream. “I love you. I must be with you. I’ll never leave you. You’ll always be first. We are in love.” Feelings of hurt, fear, or frustration are cautiously shared or concealed. Differences are tolerated or overlooked. Conflict is avoided, since it is damaging to the dream. Intimacy is fueled by the fires of romance.
Marriage Two: Disillusionment. “I still like you, but I can’t go on without change. I need space, I need respect. I need to be me as well as `we.’ We are in struggle.” The dream begins to evaporate, manipulation occurs as a way to get what we want. We risk sharing feelings, but find them threatening, often uncontrolled, confused and confusing. We demand change of the objectionable differences in the partner. Conflict erupts from frustrated feelings. There is fighting, bargaining, pressuring. Intimacy is intense at times, but absent when there is tension.
Marriage Three: Discovery. “I find you surprising. What I liked at the first I came to resent in you. Now I wouldn’t change it at all. We are learning to love.” True communication is invitation and work toward equality. We own our feelings and express them with candor. We discover that our differences are creative, necessary parts of each of us and of our marriage. We find more creative ways of resolving conflict, seeking mutually satisfying solutions more quickly.
Marriage Four: Depth. “When I’m with you I feel at home, complete. When we’re apart I am at peace, secure. We are loved.” There is more genuine mutuality and equality in our communication. We flow with both our thoughts and feelings. We delight in our differences and develop them in each other. We accept conflict as a healthy process and utilize it to work for mutual growth (Augsburger, 1988, pp. 10-12, 24, 25).
While couples and circumstances differ, research and clinical observation shows these “marriages within a marriage” last about a decade with transition periods between them. Failure to negotiate the passage between `the marriages within a marriage’ makes divorce more likely and complicates immensely the normal patterns of growth. It is the treacherous passage into and out of the second marriage which sinks many basically good relationships that might have matured and become deeply satisfying and fulfilling alliances (Augsburger, 1988, p. 13).
