You have this dream where you are pregnant and you go into labour. You spend hours in mind numbing pain and just when you think you can’t go on much longer you give birth to a beautiful little baby. You look down at the tiny bundle in your arms, little fists clench around your pinkie and perhaps for the first time in your life you experience absolute love.
The little baby gets bigger. She follows you around, needs you to take care of her, loves you unconditionally, and looks up to you with absolute trust. And then the little baby grows older and she has her own friends, she makes her own decisions, you can’t protect her anymore. The dream becomes a nightmare; your little girl doesn’t need you anymore. The break up begins.
So much time and emotions are vested in a relationship and the end of it, no matter how amiable, is always painful. After a bit of observation I have mapped out the most traditional stages that break up’s go through.
The pre- break up problems- You just don’t understand each other anymore. Everything used to be so easy between you but all of a sudden it’s like you are standing on different sides of a lake and there is no way to bridge the gap. Sometimes you catch a glimpse of the person she used to be but then she’s gone again. She’s not the same person; your happy go lucky little girl is now a moody, confusing adult.
The pre- break up solutions- ‘If it isn’t broken, fix it before it is.’ You don’t like the turn your relationship has taken so you try to fix it. You try talking, you try to be nicer, less judgemental, less motherly and more friendly. Sometimes it works and things are great. Sometimes it doesn’t and talking only makes things worse. Somehow things keep coming out the wrong way and the harder you try to fix it the worse it gets.
The Emotional Break up- A person can only take so much pain so you cut yourself off from each other. Sure you love each other more than anything but there is just a too much space between you two that there is no way for you to have a real relationship anymore. Slowly your heart builds defences around itself. It prepares itself for the worst. You might see each other everyday and live under the same roof but emotionally you are virtually strangers.
The Physical Break up- Your little girl is all grown up. She has flown the coop, leaving for a home of her own and although you have reached a point where you two are comfortable with each other, the two of you never got the chance to evolve from Mother- Daughter to Mother- Daughter and friends.
She’s gone and you find yourself looking at her baby pictures and wondering ‘What happened?’
I suppose we all dream that the transition will be smooth. That we will parent our children flawlessly and still have the wisdom and the courage to let go when the time is right. That we will actually know when the time is right and act on it. Reality is much harder. I guess there are no short cuts from great mother to friend (unless of course you’re super mom).
Until such a time when the bottled remedy to the mother-daughter break up is sold in stores I can only offer time, patience, and communication as helpful tools. To all the mom’s who haven’t broken up with their daughters two thumbs up. You obviously did something right. And to all the mom’s who have broken up with their daughter’s it’s not to late to fix it. It may be hard but it’s definitely worth it.
