When I think about all the death-defying crap my younger brother and I did while growing up, my resolve to NEVER leave my kids unattended to for more than 25 seconds without shackling them hand and foot to a sturdy pole or something strengthens more and more. The saying, ‘God has a soft spot for children, drunks and fools’ is an apt one as I really don’t know how we managed to pull off all the stunts we did without causing our long-suffering parents major grief. I guess God really had an eye out for us as we fell under two of those categories- Children and fools (I think!)
I’ll share one or more of our escapades with you guys, (depending on whether the urge to close this Microsoft Word document and continue playing Football Manager 2010 becomes irresistible or not).
Our mom was a bit of an ‘animal farm’ proponent. At one time or the other, we had a cornucopia of animals in our urban dwelling-chickens, dogs, cats, rabbits, goats, canaries and snails, if they are to be considered animals. At one point I think we had ALL of them, sef! I remember one of our dogs, Napoleon. That fella personified the phrase, ‘man’s best friend’. It never failed to cheer me up, especially when I was in a bad mood. There were times when my mom would whup the crap out of me and I would seek solace downstairs. Napoleon would be sitting calmly, thinking about his sins but as soon as he saw me, he shoved aside his pondering and proceeded to clown his heart out for my benefit. I cried like Andy Uba did when the Supreme Court kicked his arse out of the Anambra State Government House when I got a call that he had died. But I digress…
My mom had been in Jos for over 3 months, on a 9 month training course. She left behind approximately 49 chickens in her pen before she left. Within 45 days, my younger brother and I decimated their ranks and reduced their population by more than half. As soon as our dad left for work, we would rush down and waylay two chickens and proceed to kill them in the most expedient manner possible. As soon as they were certified dead, we would cut out the thighs, breasts and most of the skin out for the frying pan and throw away the rest! I hope my mom never sees this!
There were these girls that used to attend our church. 3 sisters, not too attractive but to 16 and 13 year old kids, anything that looked like it had boobs and an arse was attractive to us. We got to know them on first-name basis and finally invited them over to the house to visit. On the day they agreed to show up, we willed our dad to set off for the office early and proceeded to thoroughly clean the house from ‘head to toe’! As it was a ‘special occasion’, we ambushed 5 chickens and murdered them in a bid to impress the females and make them believe we were ‘big boys.’ We marinated the chickens and proceeded to fry them lovingly, with painstaking attention to every minute detail. On the third chicken, we suddenly heard a car horn! POPSI WAS BACK!!! In panic we tossed everything into the dustbin and sprayed the kitchen with air freshener in a bid to mask the aroma. He called out to my brother to get something he forgot and zoomed off as soon as he got it, without coming upstairs. We dug out the chickens from the dustbin as soon as the coast was clear but the damage was done… We were not going to have any chickens for lunch… Napoleon was very grateful!
The stupid girls didn’t even show up sef…
