BROTHERHOOD OF THE SMOKE.
A popular church song in Nigeria goes thus:
Let there be love shared among us…
…Cause us O Lord, to live in brotherly love…
Those church folks don’t know the half of it. What do they know about brotherly love? Psshew. In fact, not only church people. Kofi Annan, Ban Ki-moon and all the United Nations people that talk world peace and all need to learn a thing or two about brotherly love at the feet (or lips?) of Smokers.
Have you ever noticed how complete strangers help each other light up their ciggies on the street, in beer parlours and the neighbourhood sepe joint? They don’t give a damn about tribe, social status, occupation or trivia like that. As soon as the flame goes up, a bond forms. They all understand the need for a quick nicotine fix.
Absolute strangers help each other light up, offer cigarettes and even share a stick if the supply is low. What can communicable disease do to them? Nothing breaks an ice as easily and White London in the corner of your mouth does. The conversation that follows is the basis of a lifetime friendship.
I don’t smoke; but I have friends that do and I know how easy it is to lose them to smoking acquaintances. It is difficult to find a more united group of people. Football fans and nursing mothers form a distant second and even they argue about which club is better and what diapers last longer. But for smokers, just blaze…
This society truly cares about its members. Boy, do they tolerate one another! You know how you grumble when your neighbor borrows your scrubbing brush for his car tyres? No such bad belle among smokers o! I once heard the story of a chronic smoker in the area that needed a drag at 2 a.m. He ran all the way to the main junction where the neighbourhood malam/ maiguard had his stall. The mallam didn’t appreciate the intrusion but being a smoker himself, understood the pain our friend was going through and they shared a pack of Benson while the rest of the world slept on.
Sometimes I wonder why the Health Ministry says smokers are liable to die young. Why do they scare potential smokers like so? They should have similar caveats for Mr Biggs too. Apart from the saturated fat and the million calorie junk food that they sell, Mr Biggs outlets are usually dirty. You see flies all around and you know that the food items are about 2 days old. They too should have stickers on the doors that read: Consumers are liable to diarrhea, cholera, typhoid and early death. In any case, smokers don’t listen to the health people. What do they know?
According to my smoker friends, they start at an early age. All of us saw the pictures of the 3 year old Indian chain smoker? I have a friend that is 31 and has been smoking for 18 years. You see how loyal he is to the manufacturer? I swear, one of these days, we should gather a rally and storm a tobacco company’s A.G.M. and demand that henceforth, smokers should be applauded and awarded. Or who are they in business for, distributors? Gold lighters and crystal ash trays for novice smokers. Kias and Hyundais for the big boys. See how eLDee’s lips are black? He too should qualify for the big boys’ category as a big boy.
It must be tough though, being a smoker. You are constantly threatened with death and lung cancer by the tobacco company and the government that you are enriching with your hard earned dough. It must take the compassion of the saints to bear the exploitation by the makers of teeth whiteners, smokers toothbrushes and mouth fresheners. It must take the patience of a dove to quietly bear the nagging and judging of your family when the perpetually stay on your nerves, asking you to quit. Is it their business?
All the wahala sef, it is enough to drive a man to a bottle of Jack Daniels! This is why all I do is drink…
